A Walk and Talk

A Gentle Firm Reminder This Holiday Season (written three days ago, posted on FB)

11/21/2017

The holidays are going to be lonely for some people close to you. Even in crowds one can be quite lonely. And there are times when one can be alone and be quite content. Please be mindful of one another.

This holiday season started early for me as I am back out on the road sort to speak and having some what of a working vacation. I am so thankful for each and every one of you on my friends list. I will be remembering my friends that I lost, acquaintances and friendly foes too. I am still trying to sort out the caustic foes and the caustic "friends". You know we all have those that we keep near because they need watched /baby sat the closest!
For the lonely and the content, I pray special blessings of infinite peace for you to be able to do what you need to do with the emotions and energy that will becoming your way or from within that certainly will need processing and the strength and grace for the processing.
For those of us living away from loved ones or suffering and enduring the loss or impending loss of loved ones there are no words, just love, understanding, celebrating the treasured gifts of the person and the person and allowing the process to go from grief to reverent celebration. This time of year was set aside by the ancients for this very purpose.
No matter what mindset and emotional state you are in and for what ever reason, please acknowledge the personhood of one another this holiday. We humans are amazing warriors. Proof is we are here now at such at time as this. Not everyone person can have the privilege to be divine human beings. Pity them and shine even brighter Loves!
I love you. Happy Thanksgiving early and the beginning of your holiday seasons.

Michelle Carmela Saldana

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Michelle Carmela's Rant/Prayer on November 20, 2017

11/20/2017

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I am feeling it right now. Just not sure that "it" is. I am glad to be traveling and seeing people I haven't seen in so long and also meeting new people. That is a major accomplishment. I am so very proud of my body and of myself for achieving this goal. I keep thinking "Yes! Way to tag team. God gave me a very good body to work with!

It is the holiday season that I am feeling, I think. Being closer and creeping closer to 50 years old. Not having my own home, not having family tradition of my own. Being estranged from people I love, but they are so toxic that they can't even get together with each other on any given day. Nothing has changed since I was a kid. The sisters (my mom and aunts all hate each other. Well they love each other to a degree, but do not like each other or trust each other enough so they stay away from each other. We all knew after Papa and Gramm both died that any sense of family togetherness -the lie that we all lived for the holidays would end between the siblings -the daughters and for the grandchildren that meant no family stories, the older cousins and grandchildren not passing down the real big family traditions. Gone would be the massive parties that would last for days, people coming from around the country for Gramm's home made delicacies that she shared with her granddaughters a little bit more year by year so the ingredients were still kept secret but also held as family treasures to remember. We were not allowed to share what she revealed to each of us what was in what dish or desert or candy. These were trade secrets of Gramm's kitchen she was passing down to each of us tailored individually specifically. And Gramm gave us all our own moments around the family table at Papa's and Gramm's to shine.

Yes, I love my work. I so very much do. I have developed such a wonder family of friends over the years and this year is no different. Still we all want and crave the biological bond don't we? More than Papa and Gramm, and even more than Great Grandpa and Great Grandma who I associate mostly with Summer time, fried green tomatoes and pure honey or bee charming and moonshine, oh and a good Scots-Irish-Welch Jig and bagpipes. Even more than they I miss my children. OMG! I did not realize how much I miss them. I am crying. So difficult to type for trying to see. I will be 50 soon. My oldest will be 30 before I know it and my youngest is just about to hit his quarter century in a blink of an eye. Lord, what I would not give to cook them a home cooked meal in my own home, in my own kitchen and just hang on their every word and expression and than of whomever they brought with them.

I cannot tell You Father how angry I am at Vance. I am more angry at Vance than I am at V.M. , my mother, my father, papa or myself! There are so many questions that I have. This Weinstein shit and all this "Hash tag Me too! Me too! Me too!" has brought up even more questions. Who was this man that I was and still am so very much in love with and had such a good relationship with -so I thought? I was so happy, my happiest next to raising my children. I thought we were friends, lovers, in love, in a united purpose, a team, a partnership, an actual union. It is just still so devastating to realize I was an assignment and he was my handler. Who the fuck shows up out of the blue four years after they are supposed to have crossed over?! There is a reason so many reasons why it is illegal to fake one's death! Someone asked me not long ago who is my handler now? I said I do not know, but I know someone is fucking with me. The trip to where I am now had too many glitches singling me out not to think I was being handled or toyed with. Quiet rooted stability should not be a fantasy, it should be the normal FOR ME! When am I going to have my own home?! My own kitchen, my reunion with my children and my memories with them (Lord, I so hope and pray that they and I will have our chance at wholeness together and that we make good on it.)? It is not like I haven't purchased homes and damn if some shit doesn't happen before I can even move in to live in any of them?! even to push me out of my own life?! to have to start over from scratch again?! This is my last start over do you hear me?!!!!!!!!!

So many chances after V.M. but I let things grow extremely slow with Vance and I thought they grew solid and true. Such una Estupida! The more these scandals come out the more I get to wondering what Vance really was in Hollywood. So many chances after Vance and twice I came close but a damn handler came in to the mix then too. This time a woman. I thought she was just some crazed fan stalker type ordeal and that would be bad enough. But upon an intern investigating and my own investigating, so much more came up tied to mafia and higher up. I don't know who or what this shit is going on now. It is always someone and something. I will out live all these bastards and I will have a save haven for my children to come visit with whomever they bring to have solace and respite from the world.

Am I whining and complaining, damn fucking straight up stating things as I see them, so yes, sir! I sure as earth am! You have by the end of the year to guide me to my new rest of my life home town where I can have a home base. You gave me the name and I want myself planted there. You have by my birthday to put me in a home that I can afford and is to the specifications that enable me all the interests and assignments that you have afforded me and you have by the time I am fifty (50) to reunite me with my children and begin the chapters of our healing together. This is what I want and expect personally, Father. I am helping you reunite your family and build the kingdom of heaven on earth. So this is my return that I expect. In addition to my total healing. I want to get up on a horse again. I want to mountain climb and hike. I want to make the long distance trips around the world that I am always invited to take to go address groups that I am forced to say no to due to my health and not having a passport and visa. Restore my health and freedom too. Get the handlers to stop standing in the way of a visa and pass port. It was ridiculous enough that I had to go to an immigration lawyer to get a copy of my birth abroad certificate. I love you, Father, you are my portion, but my children are my reward and you best believe I want my reward! Just as much as you want yours! And I pray all the time and encourage everyone to give you your freedom in their lives, so I want my freedom too. I am trusting you for this now. I would like answers about Vance, I think, but honestly, I am scared to find out too much. My children on the other hand, I need. My freedom, I need. Let my handler reveal themselves. And then remove the bastards and all the other wannabees away from me. You are my dad, I am your daughter, what did Jesus die on the cross for? Not for all this shit to still keep going down, I am ever so sure. And I sure as all get out don't want anyone thinking that my life is an example of an impotent god and me wack for believing in the alleged impotent god. I know this is an effort between you and I together and that you have your thoughts and plans for me, for my children and for those in my family of friends and whom you already ordained for me to meet. Just please continue to guide me, I will do my damnedest to allow you more freedom in my own life as well so you can bring these miracles about.

Okay now that I know what "it" that is bothering me. I feel better for having talked with you. I am looking forward to the process and to see what comes and how I am healed, molded and shaped by it. Thank you, Father, in the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, thank you.

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What is so Good about Good Friday?

4/14/2017

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Bones Don't Lie

7/9/2016

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"Why can't you forget like the rest of us?"

"Michelle, none of what you say ever happened...Honey, stop spreading lies."

"You are mentally ill. That is the only reasonable explanation as to why all these decades you insist you were tortured and abused. We are a good upstanding family. We have prestigue, reputations and responsibility in this town. Every time you come [here/home] to visit, you under mind that just by being here -just by being YOU!"

"You have no proof that anything you say is true." -Family Member who closed down the office of my ob/gyn from the time I was eleven to about twenty-six years old and kept my records from being released.

WELL DO I HAVE NEWS!!!

I now have verification!

I have validation!

"BONES NEVER LIE" - Temperance "Bones" Brennan (by Kathy Reichs)

It is a common issue among many survivors of child torture or traumas and part of our continued abuse way into our adult years that our abusers will deny to our faces the crimes they inflicted upon us. That in itself becomes another form of mental and emotional abuse.

Well, after more than twenty years of trying to get my ob/gyn medical records that contained indications that would validate my child abuse, a recent trip to the chiropractor managed to reveal through X-ray the indications recorded upon my bones.

While this is quite the emotional relief, it is only the beginning of what is to come. It may not be comely of me to gloat as I am. Yet, I have to tell y'all it is like a life time of Christmases, birthdays and winning several multi-million dollars all rolled into one event.

I always said my health will not let me forget my childhood, which is true of just about every victim and survivor that I know no matter their age. And when requested to make my life into a movie, one of my excuses to hold up the process was for medical knowledge of the damage done to my body as a result of the abuses and tortures. I have the start of gathering this knowledge now. It has only been a week of having the results. I am still processing that I even have them. I haven't really studied them any more than when I was at the chiropractor's office. I will as I have the nerve. In the meantime, I am celebrating and basking in the validation.

Remember I am dealing with bone marrow issues and several terminal illnesses and a rare auto immune disease Mastocytosis which is also terminal and is indicative of cancer or is a type of cancer. Mastocystosis is usually treated as cancer. Because I have been through cancer treatment before and just do not want to go through that hell again, I am choosing the most natural yet practical methods that I can get away with. I see my health journey as another extension of my advocacy in that over the years what I have been learning about abuse and auto immune diseases and the treatments out there per condition, I do my best to make known.

Below is a link to go to in order to learn more about obtaining your medical records. If you have been abused or tortured or know of someone who has and is having trouble for one reason or another in obtaining their medical records, I highly recommend going to the chiropractor. If you or someone you may know has been abused or tortured and is suffering medically, I highly recommend that you see a chiropractor who also believes in holistic medical practices. For assistance in finding out more about obtaining your medical records or finding a chiropractor, please email onceuponaneden@gmail.com.

http://www.healthinfolaw.org/comparative-analysis/medical-record-retention-required-health-care-providers-50-state-comparison

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HAPPY 4TH OF JULY (July 04th, 2016)

7/4/2016

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Today is the day when millions of the approximately 322,762, 018 (1) Americans will celebrate Independence Day, July 4th 1776, the signing of the Declaration of Independence. (2) They will honor the members of their families or communities who are in the military fighting "for democracy, freedom and the American way". (3), (4) Many more will take the holiday as a family day not knowing or remembering the historicity of the date. (5), (6,7)Still those who recently pledged allegiance to their newly adopted country, thus making them new naturalized citizens will also mark this day special.

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The Mundane Adventures Part 2

6/29/2016

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So just days ago I wrote about how I was anticipating an outing to the library. If you read "The Mundane Adventure" you will have a better understanding of why the errand of going to the library was such a big deal for me the other day.

So before I update y'all let me first give a shout out to all the people who messaged me with loving good vibrations and whatever healing modality and healing energy technology they wanted to send my way on Facebook or at onceuponaneden@gmail.com. I thankfully received it and put it to very good use. Still am. Much love to you and all this love is as vitally important to me as the air we breathe. So endless gratitude to each and every one.

Well it was a huge outing for me that other day. My immune system was put through some rigors.
First we went to the market so I could get some items for a craft/snack. My friend and their grandchild come over from time to time and I share with them some fun self help info in the way of crafts and cooking. This time is getting me prepared for some classes I am hoping to present either via Skype or in person come the Fall. Anyway, this cooking project was all about homemade popsicles. Since I can't have much of what is ready made because of ingredients that will set off my immune system, I make my own (this is rule of thumb for about any foods or food stuffs). With juices and fruits in hand it was time to get the next items on the list. Balloons!!!

At the store for the balloons something happened that disturbed me. Do you think I could be quiet and mind my own business? No. not loud mouth me.

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The Mundane Adventures

6/26/2016

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I took this photo in 2012, as I was roaming around and about Los Angeles. Seems like ages ago that the smog and chemicals were not an issue for me and I could go traipsing about to check tucked away businesses that stay out of the tourist's path that only the locals know about or to find some of my favorite people under bushes, bridges and other hide away places. Well now. That was a whole other life ago. Just four years in the past.

Now Tomorrow, I have another kind of adventure to go on...to go to the library to use it as my office (air conditioning!!!), and it is a test to see whether I can be in an environment with chemicals even limited amount. Where there are people, there are chemicals. The hope is that all this detoxing and being chemical free as possible in addition to taking my medicines has lowered my histamine levels to a level that I can tolerate being around people again without having to go to the ER or worse.

This past January after preaching in a nursing home, I ended up in the ER because the perfumes were too much for my system. Bummer to the nth degree. I miss my elders, especially the ones who were trusting Once Upon an Eden with their stories of child abuse, and being forced into participating in horrific experiments during the 1940's -1950's. In researching to learn more, so the next time they spoke with me, I could share with them coping tools, I learned such a dark side of American history that I did not know about. That also ended up leading to some more of my own healing and answers to questions that I had about myself and my family history. Meeting interesting people from all walks of life, being entrusted with their life stories, helping them helps me -all perks of this work.

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June 25th, 2016

6/25/2016

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I like to walk and talk. When I am stressed, have something heavy to process, or want to get deep in prayer or for certain forms of meditation walking seems to be a great help. When I was a director of a shelter, or in other positions where I had major decisions to make or some form of mentoring to do, walking or some kind of outdoor activity was worked in if I could. Many difficult conversations were had over a slow somewhat long walk. Many difficult conversations that sometimes turned into fun memories and bonding adventures.

I took this photo a few years ago (on a disposable camera that I found laying around unused), back in my hometown in 2009. It is difficult for me to return to that town. So over the years, I did my damnedest to stay away. Yet, this time I was here on doctors' orders to "make peace and get my house in order because death is imminent". I had died and had been dead for several hours months before due to an allergic reaction to Aspirin that I had taken for a tooth ache. After a long recovery and learning how to walk again here I was back in my hometown feeling trapped in a nightmare. Not only did I die in 2008, but often over a duration of several years before and twice in early 2009 and that is not even counting the comas. Yeah, I had a lot to process and think about. In addition I was not happy at having to do it in a place that reminded me of and held my secrets of my Silent Hill" kind of a past.

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A Gentle Firm Reminder This Holiday Season (written three days ago, posted on FB)

Michelle Carmela's Rant/Prayer on November 20, 2017

What is so Good about Good Friday?

Bones Don't Lie

WELL DO I HAVE NEWS!!!

I now have verification!

I have validation!

"BONES NEVER LIE" - Temperance "Bones" Brennan (by Kathy Reichs)

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY (July 04th, 2016)

The Mundane Adventures Part 2

The Mundane Adventures

June 25th, 2016

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WELL DO I HAVE NEWS!!!

I now have verification!

​ I have validation!

"BONES NEVER LIE" - Temperance "Bones" Brennan (by Kathy Reichs)

Author

Archives

Categories

I have validation!