 | I like to walk and talk. When I am stressed, have something heavy to process, or want to get deep in prayer or for certain forms of meditation walking seems to be a great help. When I was a director of a shelter, or in other positions where I had major decisions to make or some form of mentoring to do, walking or some kind of outdoor activity was worked in if I could. Many difficult conversations were had over a slow somewhat long walk. Many difficult conversations that sometimes turned into fun memories and bonding adventures. |
I took this photo a few years ago (on a disposable camera that I found laying around unused), back in my hometown in 2009. It is difficult for me to return to that town. So over the years, I did my damnedest to stay away. Yet, this time I was here on doctors' orders to "make peace and get my house in order because death is imminent". I had died and had been dead for several hours months before due to an allergic reaction to Aspirin that I had taken for a tooth ache. After a long recovery and learning how to walk again here I was back in my hometown feeling trapped in a nightmare. Not only did I die in 2008, but often over a duration of several years before and twice in early 2009 and that is not even counting the comas. Yeah, I had a lot to process and think about. In addition I was not happy at having to do it in a place that reminded me of and held my secrets of my Silent Hill" kind of a past.
When I have errands to run, I rather incorporate as much walking in as I am able. Ironically, I do not like to walk for exercise. I won't just go for a walk to walk unless I have something to think, pray or meditate about or if I have somewhere to go. However, when going to my destination, I give myself plenty of time to enjoy the atmosphere, meet and talk a bit with whomever I may meet and to notice things as if I were new to where I may be. No matter where I am and how many times I have been there or if I live there, I do touristy things acting touristy. So now, here I was being touristy doing my normal touristy thing while having once again to go spelunking into the depths of my inner most core if I wanted to get out of the situation of not only being some kind of " latest scientific enigma" (Yes, doctors actually called me that.) trapped in my "Nightmare on Elm Street"/"Amityville Horror"/"Stepford Wives"/"A Boy Called It" bubble". I can think of more horror movie references, but I think this list is enough to convey the message that this was not the place I wanted to be to "make peace and get my house in order because death is imminent and we (the doctors) cannot do anything for you." You know some horror movies are real and they easily top what Hollywood mass produces. We each have our own horrors to deal with while running our normal errands and doing normal chores. As the scripture says, "Every heart knows its own pain. Everyone their own joy. None other can share it."
The only time I walk for exercise is when I have had an Anaphylactic shock episode and need to build up my strength again. Then I'll use walking as a form of physical therapy. That is the only time I walk without a destination because the destination/goal is seeing my endurance and stamina increased each time and then pushing myself again to increase more.
| We all have challenges. On the Once Upon an Eden site here, I share mine. What I have learned from them, about life, myself and being and how to apply these lessons to the greater challenges that the predators throw our (the Human Family's) way in general is plastered all over this website. And because we all have challenges, and we are all looking for answers to help us up and out of our situations or in and out of our circumstances, the website is also a place to celebrate and learn from people from all walks of life. |  |
With every breath, thought, step taken as a child, my liberty came to me and my world continue to widen with each. Every breath, thought, step taken now is my liberty widening my world revealing amazing people and magnificent knowledge and treasures.
However, it is the exploration of my mind, soul, spirit -my psyche that is the infinite universe to explore. Some areas are brilliantly lit, some dark. Some filled with wonder. Some filled with horror and terror. Each with abilities for use when the time is right. Each filled with wonders that make me -Me.
I spent so much time in my head as a child critiquing my days as I fell asleep and strategizing to keep myself out of that hell hole of a basement and to appease my parents so that I could yet live to live another day with out as much negative incident as possible.
I find it strange and ironic that with my health situation, I am also in constant critique and strategic about my activities so as to avoid another Anaphylactic episode so that I can stay on this side of life.
However, it is the exploration of my mind, soul, spirit -my psyche that is the infinite universe to explore. Some areas are brilliantly lit, some dark. Some filled with wonder. Some filled with horror and terror. Each with abilities for use when the time is right. Each filled with wonders that make me -Me.
I spent so much time in my head as a child critiquing my days as I fell asleep and strategizing to keep myself out of that hell hole of a basement and to appease my parents so that I could yet live to live another day with out as much negative incident as possible.
I find it strange and ironic that with my health situation, I am also in constant critique and strategic about my activities so as to avoid another Anaphylactic episode so that I can stay on this side of life.
Back in 2008, when I was first diagnosed with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis (random deadly allergic reactions-you can google it.), I took the info that the doctors gave me and looked everything up on the internet myself. They said there was nothing that could be done. According to them I had so much organ damage that I needed a five organ transplant and my immune system was so testy that death could happen despite the next breath. With my background in herbology and nutrition, I took that info they gave me and I looked up everything to the minute detail; designed a protocol that not only reversed the damage done to my organs within year; I recently joined a support group for my health condition which is more properly called Mastocytosis and discovered the protocol that I designed for myself eight years ago is not only endorsed by many doctors today, but it also recommended by the organization that is the foundation for clinical research regarding Mastocytosis. It is pretty cool to know that even in the darkness and the darkest of times, the light of the answers is there to comfort, lead, guide, and bring us where we need to be that we may thrive.
I am not going to pretend that minister me was not "all shit, damn, fuck- ity, fuck, fuck!" most every time I prayed, researched and tested what I was learning because I was having more SDF days than dancing on the ceiling I was sick, tired and frustrated living on a prayer. I like the song and Bon Jovi, but that is just no way to live. Is it? Or is it? I was bitterly angry and once again terrified of the uncertainty of my existence, well being and safety. I was angry and flabbergasted that "This is so new that we doctors do not know what this is. " Who wants to hear that?! No patient ever! That is who! And when I asked the ER doctors and other doctors, "Can this be from past child abuse or an STD that morphed into something else?" "You know?! It very well could be", was a common reply. So was, "We doctors think the rise of autoimmune conditions, diseases and cancers among the 40 years old and older are STD and trauma related. We just do not have proof. It is the white elephant in the room everyone has to ignore for a myriad of reasons, number one being we want to keep our job."
Well, thankfully, healing myself and helping others to do the same, IS MY JOB! The signatures of my tormentors upon my psyche and body is unacceptable graffiti. I am a work of art. So are you. As children, you and I did not have the mental capacity or emotional strength or physical power to stop evil from over powering us. We were born with that power, but if we are not made aware of it and taught to use it, then we don't or we don't use it effectively. Even then we are not responsible for the evil done to us -our responsibility as children is learn what we can and use it to the best of our ability to do no harm to others. Once we become of age, we have the responsibility to recognize our power and use it to clean up the toxic waste we call the effects of trauma or PTSD and what graffiti (thoughts and past memories) we don't want marring our psyche. The we have the responsibility to find the toxicity, face it, decide what to keep or throw out. There is way more to healing but that is the start. Our inner core well being is the key to a thriving invigorating reality. We were meant to live and thrive. We are here on this gorgeous living planet that goes through its own evolution of creatively being. We are no different, except we have the ability to both destroy and create -the ability to effect change. We creatively evolve our being. It is the journey we are on. It is BEING.
During my teen years I stood up for myself and that started an amazing yet years long transition from prostitute to Bible teacher, and then ultimately free to move across the nation far from the town that held me hostage. I wrestled and overcame that set of demons lurking within my psyche with the help of the Bible, Abba, and stage acting and learned how to feel real feelings and emotions vs mimicking other people's emotions or looking for signals from them for how they wanted me to react or service their whimms. It was frightening to get to know my inner most feelings and emotions, but I discovered a beautiful wide range besides fear, numbness, dread, terror and the triumph of existence. I cried the first time I felt innocent. The same when I felt true wonder. I was in my thirties. Over the years I am constantly discovering hidden demons guarding amazing treasures that comprise me. It is pretty awesome when some path of spelunking takes me back in time to the links with the ancestors. I am not talking about past life regression or hypnotherapy, in this case. What I mean is, for example, is back in 2007, when I was having difficulty eating because all of the sudden everything I ate made me sick or sending me to the ER fighting for my life. So I studied ancient diets for inspiration then looked up suppliers of those foods. Okay that was fun. But what was mind blowing was learning about the ancient cultures and being able to apply thousands of years old knowledge to help myself and others with relative practicality in today's age and see people go from terminal to thriving.
During my teen years I stood up for myself and that started an amazing yet years long transition from prostitute to Bible teacher, and then ultimately free to move across the nation far from the town that held me hostage. I wrestled and overcame that set of demons lurking within my psyche with the help of the Bible, Abba, and stage acting and learned how to feel real feelings and emotions vs mimicking other people's emotions or looking for signals from them for how they wanted me to react or service their whimms. It was frightening to get to know my inner most feelings and emotions, but I discovered a beautiful wide range besides fear, numbness, dread, terror and the triumph of existence. I cried the first time I felt innocent. The same when I felt true wonder. I was in my thirties. Over the years I am constantly discovering hidden demons guarding amazing treasures that comprise me. It is pretty awesome when some path of spelunking takes me back in time to the links with the ancestors. I am not talking about past life regression or hypnotherapy, in this case. What I mean is, for example, is back in 2007, when I was having difficulty eating because all of the sudden everything I ate made me sick or sending me to the ER fighting for my life. So I studied ancient diets for inspiration then looked up suppliers of those foods. Okay that was fun. But what was mind blowing was learning about the ancient cultures and being able to apply thousands of years old knowledge to help myself and others with relative practicality in today's age and see people go from terminal to thriving.
Also as a result of my psyche healing up, I sounded less and less like Astro the Jetson Dog, Porky Pig and Elmer Fudd arguing for the last word. It was during this time that my writing abilities started to be made known. And unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it, my multi-personalities, DID, or as I call it "the bits or fractures of me/my psyche" also decided to express themselves. First to other people which got me in loads of trouble. Until, I started writing what other people told me what which bit of me said what. Then in my quiet time, Abba, the Bible and that bit of me had an Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Astro the Jetson Dog convention.
This convention went on for nearly ten years, I had about twenty or more personalities. I was thirty two when instead of one integrating here and there like the years before, there was a mass integration. I am still fractured but five bits instead of more than twenty is way more manageable. And even those shards are coming back together. The interesting thing now is as my mind, soul, spirit heal up the Anaphylactic symptoms /reactions are not as intense.
Now please do not make the mistake thinking this what I am dealing with health wise currently is all psychosomatic when in fact there are so many other factors and variables. Yet, I have no doubt that it is my determination to get my 120 years at least that the Bible says is accredited for a person to live and damn it! I had a overall shitty childhood so I expect every ounce of goodness out of every day and I make sure I get it. I promise that unseen devil/demon/non human entity assigned to me that if I am out of my body, I will spend my eternity hunting it down and once I catch it, it will squeal my name until I am known as a goddess. Until then, with my body's last breaths or my eternity, the evil assigned to me has to deal for all eternity with the fact that I live. It is such a pill for the rascal to swallow and digest that I help it by ramming it down its throat and out its backside every time someone has the hell loved out of them and they obtain a pretty solid grip on wholeness. I don't know if you know it or not, but the inhabitants of hell quake at our existence. I love reminding Hell that we Humans have the dominance with every breath of my being and every step and action that I take. I love teaching others to do the same. As I come closer to my completed wholeness (if there is such a thing) and help others do the same, and as my own personal journey leads me to other healer/leaders, it is quite satisfactory and enjoyable to see the fractures (factions) of the Human Family come together.
Now please do not make the mistake thinking this what I am dealing with health wise currently is all psychosomatic when in fact there are so many other factors and variables. Yet, I have no doubt that it is my determination to get my 120 years at least that the Bible says is accredited for a person to live and damn it! I had a overall shitty childhood so I expect every ounce of goodness out of every day and I make sure I get it. I promise that unseen devil/demon/non human entity assigned to me that if I am out of my body, I will spend my eternity hunting it down and once I catch it, it will squeal my name until I am known as a goddess. Until then, with my body's last breaths or my eternity, the evil assigned to me has to deal for all eternity with the fact that I live. It is such a pill for the rascal to swallow and digest that I help it by ramming it down its throat and out its backside every time someone has the hell loved out of them and they obtain a pretty solid grip on wholeness. I don't know if you know it or not, but the inhabitants of hell quake at our existence. I love reminding Hell that we Humans have the dominance with every breath of my being and every step and action that I take. I love teaching others to do the same. As I come closer to my completed wholeness (if there is such a thing) and help others do the same, and as my own personal journey leads me to other healer/leaders, it is quite satisfactory and enjoyable to see the fractures (factions) of the Human Family come together.
It has been several decades since I was last tongue tied. I am constantly talking and it is usually about the awesomeness of humanity, love and Creator/Abba, so yep, no tripping over my tongue going on here. As a matter of fact when I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis in 2008, I had a Sunday morning preaching/Bible teaching program that aired from the Florida pan handle, up into Tennessee and Oklahoma and down into the Texas pan handle. I also worked several jobs to pay both my personal expenses and ministry expenses. Busy I was constantly busy. Since being diagnosed with IA in 2008, and then in 2014 the diagnosis changed to Mastocytosis, more and more I am becoming ever so much more effectively efficient reaching a greater number of people around the globe with the power of the typed word and videos stored on a website and social media and the power of Skype.
It has been several decades since I was last tongue tied. I am constantly talking and it is usually about the awesomeness of humanity, love and Creator/Abba, so yep, no tripping over my tongue going on here. As a matter of fact when I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis in 2008, I had a Sunday morning preaching/Bible teaching program that aired from the Florida pan handle, up into Tennessee and Oklahoma and down into the Texas pan handle. I also worked several jobs to pay both my personal expenses and ministry expenses. Busy I was constantly busy. Since being diagnosed with IA in 2008, and then in 2014 the diagnosis changed to Mastocytosis, more and more I am becoming ever so much more effectively efficient reaching a greater number of people around the globe with the power of the typed word and videos stored on a website and social media and the power of Skype.
We are simple yet complex creations. We are conditioned to be normal, think normal, act normal within a normal world. Replace the word "Normal" with "Robot", "Victim", "Slave". We are anything but robots. We can think of ourselves victims and we are the moment something happens to us.We can become slaves giving the offender longer duration of power over us than just the moment of impact (that victim moment). We can allow that moment to switch us off and be robotic or we can be who we as individuals actually are -an amazing universe unto ourselves full of untold wonders -bonded by the fact that we are the Human Family.
If I haven't learned anything else, I have learned as a result of this latest challenge, that being human is quite the adventurous journey!
Thank you for being part of mine and allowing me to be part of yours. Love and blessings to you.
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