I am feeling it right now. Just not sure that "it" is. I am glad to be traveling and seeing people I haven't seen in so long and also meeting new people. That is a major accomplishment. I am so very proud of my body and of myself for achieving this goal. I keep thinking "Yes! Way to tag team. God gave me a very good body to work with!
It is the holiday season that I am feeling, I think. Being closer and creeping closer to 50 years old. Not having my own home, not having family tradition of my own. Being estranged from people I love, but they are so toxic that they can't even get together with each other on any given day. Nothing has changed since I was a kid. The sisters (my mom and aunts all hate each other. Well they love each other to a degree, but do not like each other or trust each other enough so they stay away from each other. We all knew after Papa and Gramm both died that any sense of family togetherness -the lie that we all lived for the holidays would end between the siblings -the daughters and for the grandchildren that meant no family stories, the older cousins and grandchildren not passing down the real big family traditions. Gone would be the massive parties that would last for days, people coming from around the country for Gramm's home made delicacies that she shared with her granddaughters a little bit more year by year so the ingredients were still kept secret but also held as family treasures to remember. We were not allowed to share what she revealed to each of us what was in what dish or desert or candy. These were trade secrets of Gramm's kitchen she was passing down to each of us tailored individually specifically. And Gramm gave us all our own moments around the family table at Papa's and Gramm's to shine.
Yes, I love my work. I so very much do. I have developed such a wonder family of friends over the years and this year is no different. Still we all want and crave the biological bond don't we? More than Papa and Gramm, and even more than Great Grandpa and Great Grandma who I associate mostly with Summer time, fried green tomatoes and pure honey or bee charming and moonshine, oh and a good Scots-Irish-Welch Jig and bagpipes. Even more than they I miss my children. OMG! I did not realize how much I miss them. I am crying. So difficult to type for trying to see. I will be 50 soon. My oldest will be 30 before I know it and my youngest is just about to hit his quarter century in a blink of an eye. Lord, what I would not give to cook them a home cooked meal in my own home, in my own kitchen and just hang on their every word and expression and than of whomever they brought with them.
I cannot tell You Father how angry I am at Vance. I am more angry at Vance than I am at V.M. , my mother, my father, papa or myself! There are so many questions that I have. This Weinstein shit and all this "Hash tag Me too! Me too! Me too!" has brought up even more questions. Who was this man that I was and still am so very much in love with and had such a good relationship with -so I thought? I was so happy, my happiest next to raising my children. I thought we were friends, lovers, in love, in a united purpose, a team, a partnership, an actual union. It is just still so devastating to realize I was an assignment and he was my handler. Who the fuck shows up out of the blue four years after they are supposed to have crossed over?! There is a reason so many reasons why it is illegal to fake one's death! Someone asked me not long ago who is my handler now? I said I do not know, but I know someone is fucking with me. The trip to where I am now had too many glitches singling me out not to think I was being handled or toyed with. Quiet rooted stability should not be a fantasy, it should be the normal FOR ME! When am I going to have my own home?! My own kitchen, my reunion with my children and my memories with them (Lord, I so hope and pray that they and I will have our chance at wholeness together and that we make good on it.)? It is not like I haven't purchased homes and damn if some shit doesn't happen before I can even move in to live in any of them?! even to push me out of my own life?! to have to start over from scratch again?! This is my last start over do you hear me?!!!!!!!!!
So many chances after V.M. but I let things grow extremely slow with Vance and I thought they grew solid and true. Such una Estupida! The more these scandals come out the more I get to wondering what Vance really was in Hollywood. So many chances after Vance and twice I came close but a damn handler came in to the mix then too. This time a woman. I thought she was just some crazed fan stalker type ordeal and that would be bad enough. But upon an intern investigating and my own investigating, so much more came up tied to mafia and higher up. I don't know who or what this shit is going on now. It is always someone and something. I will out live all these bastards and I will have a save haven for my children to come visit with whomever they bring to have solace and respite from the world.
Am I whining and complaining, damn fucking straight up stating things as I see them, so yes, sir! I sure as earth am! You have by the end of the year to guide me to my new rest of my life home town where I can have a home base. You gave me the name and I want myself planted there. You have by my birthday to put me in a home that I can afford and is to the specifications that enable me all the interests and assignments that you have afforded me and you have by the time I am fifty (50) to reunite me with my children and begin the chapters of our healing together. This is what I want and expect personally, Father. I am helping you reunite your family and build the kingdom of heaven on earth. So this is my return that I expect. In addition to my total healing. I want to get up on a horse again. I want to mountain climb and hike. I want to make the long distance trips around the world that I am always invited to take to go address groups that I am forced to say no to due to my health and not having a passport and visa. Restore my health and freedom too. Get the handlers to stop standing in the way of a visa and pass port. It was ridiculous enough that I had to go to an immigration lawyer to get a copy of my birth abroad certificate. I love you, Father, you are my portion, but my children are my reward and you best believe I want my reward! Just as much as you want yours! And I pray all the time and encourage everyone to give you your freedom in their lives, so I want my freedom too. I am trusting you for this now. I would like answers about Vance, I think, but honestly, I am scared to find out too much. My children on the other hand, I need. My freedom, I need. Let my handler reveal themselves. And then remove the bastards and all the other wannabees away from me. You are my dad, I am your daughter, what did Jesus die on the cross for? Not for all this shit to still keep going down, I am ever so sure. And I sure as all get out don't want anyone thinking that my life is an example of an impotent god and me wack for believing in the alleged impotent god. I know this is an effort between you and I together and that you have your thoughts and plans for me, for my children and for those in my family of friends and whom you already ordained for me to meet. Just please continue to guide me, I will do my damnedest to allow you more freedom in my own life as well so you can bring these miracles about.
Okay now that I know what "it" that is bothering me. I feel better for having talked with you. I am looking forward to the process and to see what comes and how I am healed, molded and shaped by it. Thank you, Father, in the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, thank you.
It is the holiday season that I am feeling, I think. Being closer and creeping closer to 50 years old. Not having my own home, not having family tradition of my own. Being estranged from people I love, but they are so toxic that they can't even get together with each other on any given day. Nothing has changed since I was a kid. The sisters (my mom and aunts all hate each other. Well they love each other to a degree, but do not like each other or trust each other enough so they stay away from each other. We all knew after Papa and Gramm both died that any sense of family togetherness -the lie that we all lived for the holidays would end between the siblings -the daughters and for the grandchildren that meant no family stories, the older cousins and grandchildren not passing down the real big family traditions. Gone would be the massive parties that would last for days, people coming from around the country for Gramm's home made delicacies that she shared with her granddaughters a little bit more year by year so the ingredients were still kept secret but also held as family treasures to remember. We were not allowed to share what she revealed to each of us what was in what dish or desert or candy. These were trade secrets of Gramm's kitchen she was passing down to each of us tailored individually specifically. And Gramm gave us all our own moments around the family table at Papa's and Gramm's to shine.
Yes, I love my work. I so very much do. I have developed such a wonder family of friends over the years and this year is no different. Still we all want and crave the biological bond don't we? More than Papa and Gramm, and even more than Great Grandpa and Great Grandma who I associate mostly with Summer time, fried green tomatoes and pure honey or bee charming and moonshine, oh and a good Scots-Irish-Welch Jig and bagpipes. Even more than they I miss my children. OMG! I did not realize how much I miss them. I am crying. So difficult to type for trying to see. I will be 50 soon. My oldest will be 30 before I know it and my youngest is just about to hit his quarter century in a blink of an eye. Lord, what I would not give to cook them a home cooked meal in my own home, in my own kitchen and just hang on their every word and expression and than of whomever they brought with them.
I cannot tell You Father how angry I am at Vance. I am more angry at Vance than I am at V.M. , my mother, my father, papa or myself! There are so many questions that I have. This Weinstein shit and all this "Hash tag Me too! Me too! Me too!" has brought up even more questions. Who was this man that I was and still am so very much in love with and had such a good relationship with -so I thought? I was so happy, my happiest next to raising my children. I thought we were friends, lovers, in love, in a united purpose, a team, a partnership, an actual union. It is just still so devastating to realize I was an assignment and he was my handler. Who the fuck shows up out of the blue four years after they are supposed to have crossed over?! There is a reason so many reasons why it is illegal to fake one's death! Someone asked me not long ago who is my handler now? I said I do not know, but I know someone is fucking with me. The trip to where I am now had too many glitches singling me out not to think I was being handled or toyed with. Quiet rooted stability should not be a fantasy, it should be the normal FOR ME! When am I going to have my own home?! My own kitchen, my reunion with my children and my memories with them (Lord, I so hope and pray that they and I will have our chance at wholeness together and that we make good on it.)? It is not like I haven't purchased homes and damn if some shit doesn't happen before I can even move in to live in any of them?! even to push me out of my own life?! to have to start over from scratch again?! This is my last start over do you hear me?!!!!!!!!!
So many chances after V.M. but I let things grow extremely slow with Vance and I thought they grew solid and true. Such una Estupida! The more these scandals come out the more I get to wondering what Vance really was in Hollywood. So many chances after Vance and twice I came close but a damn handler came in to the mix then too. This time a woman. I thought she was just some crazed fan stalker type ordeal and that would be bad enough. But upon an intern investigating and my own investigating, so much more came up tied to mafia and higher up. I don't know who or what this shit is going on now. It is always someone and something. I will out live all these bastards and I will have a save haven for my children to come visit with whomever they bring to have solace and respite from the world.
Am I whining and complaining, damn fucking straight up stating things as I see them, so yes, sir! I sure as earth am! You have by the end of the year to guide me to my new rest of my life home town where I can have a home base. You gave me the name and I want myself planted there. You have by my birthday to put me in a home that I can afford and is to the specifications that enable me all the interests and assignments that you have afforded me and you have by the time I am fifty (50) to reunite me with my children and begin the chapters of our healing together. This is what I want and expect personally, Father. I am helping you reunite your family and build the kingdom of heaven on earth. So this is my return that I expect. In addition to my total healing. I want to get up on a horse again. I want to mountain climb and hike. I want to make the long distance trips around the world that I am always invited to take to go address groups that I am forced to say no to due to my health and not having a passport and visa. Restore my health and freedom too. Get the handlers to stop standing in the way of a visa and pass port. It was ridiculous enough that I had to go to an immigration lawyer to get a copy of my birth abroad certificate. I love you, Father, you are my portion, but my children are my reward and you best believe I want my reward! Just as much as you want yours! And I pray all the time and encourage everyone to give you your freedom in their lives, so I want my freedom too. I am trusting you for this now. I would like answers about Vance, I think, but honestly, I am scared to find out too much. My children on the other hand, I need. My freedom, I need. Let my handler reveal themselves. And then remove the bastards and all the other wannabees away from me. You are my dad, I am your daughter, what did Jesus die on the cross for? Not for all this shit to still keep going down, I am ever so sure. And I sure as all get out don't want anyone thinking that my life is an example of an impotent god and me wack for believing in the alleged impotent god. I know this is an effort between you and I together and that you have your thoughts and plans for me, for my children and for those in my family of friends and whom you already ordained for me to meet. Just please continue to guide me, I will do my damnedest to allow you more freedom in my own life as well so you can bring these miracles about.
Okay now that I know what "it" that is bothering me. I feel better for having talked with you. I am looking forward to the process and to see what comes and how I am healed, molded and shaped by it. Thank you, Father, in the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, thank you.
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